Listening Like You Mean It

Many of us think of ourselves as good listeners and yet we still engage in some of the most common blocks to listening. This can be a hard concept to get at first because it requires us to really look at ourselves and understand our possible short comings as friends, bosses and partners. That being said once you acknowledge where you may be deficient you can start to change.

How do we know we aren’t listening as well as we could be? Advice giving is one of the most common types of listening blocks. According to Messages: The Communication Skills Book other blocks include identifying instead of empathizing, comparing, mind reading and placating. Advice giving comes from a good place, a place of wanting to help and alleviate your fellow humans suffering. In reality you’re not actually taking in what the speaker just told you when you immediately launch into giving advice. Most people don’t ask before they respond and end up giving unsolicited advice. Some offer so quickly it’s likely that they don’t fully understand the problem being presented.

Advice giving can be especially detrimental and wearing to people that are suffering from a chronic health condition. Many with auto-immune diseases, eczema, cancer, depression, chronic pain and irritable bowel syndrome are subject to unsolicited advice, which tends to make them not want to talk about it. Beyond that, they are often told that the root cause of their condition is emotional and the implication there is that it’s somehow their fault. Which is another form of back-handed advice that implies they are not in touch with themselves. While this may be true it’s not up to others to figure that out. Even the sufferer doesn’t need to have it all figured out in order to heal. These kinds of revelations and answers can take time. Being hit over the head with advice can actually lead to overwhelm and sometimes rebellion.

Unfortunately this means those with the most need are often unable to get their needs met. In addition they have likely heard it all before. I have witnessed many of these interactions and I can almost hear what the person with the chronic condition is thinking, “Yes I tried emu oil, and of course I’ve tried meditating.” Now the speaker is on the defensive or is left having to explain themselves instead of simply being heard. When they could be receiving the peace and support that comes from being seen by another human being.

The challenge is that we want to help people, of course, we want to be useful and save the day. However, this knee jerk response often leaves others feeling worn out, or worse, they end up avoiding sharing their experiences with us and others to avoid this near constant barrage of often repetitive information.

So what do we do? We hold space. For that to occur we have to create space within ourselves. This mean having the awareness to shift gears when someone we care about lays down their hard times. It works on strangers as well if you want to take the time to create a little extra human connection in your life.

To truly listen requires quiet, waiting for natural pauses and knowing which ones don’t need to be filled with talking. That is space. Listening also involves asking questions, getting clarity and responding back with what you have heard to let the speaker know you hear and understand them. Often what people really want is to simply be heard. The truth is we already have our own answers and when someone truly listens to us, the simple act of being heard is often enough to highlight that solution in our mind. If you’re not sure what the speaker wants you can simply ask “What do you need from our interaction right now?” You can offer suggestions such as “Do you just want to be heard or would you like my advice?”

A simple trick, if you don’t know what to say but feel you are supposed to speak, is to offer an “I’m sorry that happened to you” or “That sounds hard”. This simple, yet effective, way acknowledges that you are hearing the speaker, that you care and that you empathize with them. It removes the pressure of having to know the exact right thing to say, because there isn’t an exact right thing, you can’t fix other people’s problems. What you can do is give them space to be seen in their pain.

Think of a time where you felt really heard by another person. Really take that moment in, replay it in your mind. Your body starts to relax doesn’t it? Even if for a brief moment there is an unwinding of stress in the body. This is so valuable when we are in a state of overwhelm. That space that we are given can make all the difference, even if it’s just for that day. In that space we can find our own answers, we can find peace with a situation that is out of our control. What a blessing to be able to take a breath even for just one moment.

While being quiet can feel awkward there are some nuanced ways of showing that you’re listening while not actually speaking. These include mirroring the speaker’s body language, keeping a neutral yet interested face and making eye contact. If you are seated you can lean in towards them ever so slightly. Sometimes a single hand on the speakers back can make all the difference. Wait for a natural pause and ask if it is OK to lay your hand on their back. It’s important to get explicit consent, meaning if you are offering to lay your hand on their back that is all you are doing. For someone that has gone through something traumatic physical touch maybe too much for them. Consent always matters but especially when a person is traumatized. Physical touch that moves beyond what was offered can feel like another violation.

Many people become uncomfortable around the site of another human crying. Offering a tissue immediately is a way to ease our own discomfort more often than to help the person out. It’s a good idea wait for the first deluge to happen, at a natural pause you can offer a tissue and let the speaker decide. The too quick tissue offer is oft upstaged by the quick “Aww, please don’t cry”. Again, this is about our discomfort with emotions and isn’t helpful. Often the speaker will apologize for crying, offering a “your tears are welcome” or “let it all out” can help give them space to cry. Another option is to quietly acknowledge the apology with a slight smile, kind eyes and no words, so that they can to continue to feel their feelings and express what they need to. When you don’t immediately react you show that you are comfortable with tears and don’t have a need to stifle them.

Awareness is the first step to change. Be aware of not only when you are engaging in advice giving but when it happens to you. How do you feel? Do you feel heard? Did you ask for advice or did the person just catapult their solutions at you. It can be extremely frustrating talking about the same problem to multiple different people and finding yourself on the other end of a laundry list of questions about what you have and haven’t tried and then possible solutions. After your valued human stops talking about their problem take a pause. Give them and the problem space to breathe. You will find that you become a much more effective listener and ultimately a better helper over time. Being a good listener, being comfortable with discomfort and holding space is a muscle that we are not born with nor are we modeled much in society. Give yourself plenty of room to build that muscle over time without criticizing when you “mess up”. Eventually you will become an amazing listener and even more valued human to those around you.

Dr. Amy Thornton LAc.

Dr. Amy Thornton, LAc, DACM, is a Doctor of Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine with over 20 years of experience in pain management, bodywork, and health education. She specializes in dry needling, orthopedic acupuncture, and nervous system regulation. Amy blends clinical precision with grounded, holistic care—and believes healing works best when it’s honest, practical, and a little bit feisty.

https://www.alamedadryneedlingclinic.com
Previous
Previous

DIY Balcony Mini Pond

Next
Next

Using Essential Oils Safely